When I was a kid I remember having the worst Springtime allergies ever. For months I just wouldn't breathe through my nose, I was sneezing and getting puffy eyes all the time...good thing I wasn't trying to impress any ladies when I was that young. Around high school I noticed that those symptoms went away, so I naturally assumed that the allergies were gone; that I'd grown out of them.
I'm just finding out that I haven't. In fact, they've gotten much, much worse.
For weeks now I've been unable to keep a steady sleep schedule. It'll be 11 hours a night for a few nights, then 5 for a few more, etc. I've also had wildly fluctuating energy levels, random headaches and spells of bad stomach aches (kinda like when you're sick...feeling either ill or super hungry). Until recently I thought that all of these were unrelated. Which made the depression even harder to explain.
This is, I will fully admit, a taboo topic. Many popular writers will talk about spells of depression years after the fact. I could do that...but I need to know that I'm bold enough to talk about it now.
Simply put, I can't feel happiness right now. A couple of things have lifted my mood in and of themselves; like an upcoming jazz piano lesson that I'm really excited for, or seeing my dad in Seattle today. But besides those, getting deeper into Spring is pushing me deeper into depression.
Before I learned about the connection to allergies, I assumed that all of this was my fault, which only made things worse. I thought that my outlook on life was wrong; that I wasn't strong enough or wise enough to get a grip on things. Learning about the allergy connection definitely lifted my mood. It meant that this wasn't my fault, that I couldn't control it, and that it was only temporary. What a relief! It's heartbreaking when my girlfriend does something really thoughtful and I can't snap out of it enough to react well, or when I go to work sad day after day, feeling like I'm just being a drag on my coworkers.
So right now I can't really feel happy. But that's okay.
Today was an almost completely normal day, up until near the end of my shift at work. My stomach started to hurt and my head started to swim...I felt slightly drunk, except without any of the happy feelings of a Jack and Coke or the peacefulness of a glass of red wine. That's how things have been for the last couple of hours...foggy and sad by default. When this happens (and it's pretty much 24/7 these days), the best I can do is listen to some music or play some guitar and shoot not for joy, but for sedation. Music has a peaceful effect. And only recently have I appreciated the stories of the young king David playing harp to soothe Saul's freakish swings of violence. It's been working for me, to clear my mind and settle things.
In any case, I was riding the bus back from downtown and listening to my iPod (again, on days like today a true Godsend!), and right after I got off at my stop, a song that talked about Jesus' faithfulness reminded me that I've been through this before, and He was there. I started crying as I was walking...I realized that this has been happening for years, and I just never knew why. Every Spring for as long as I can remember has been intensely difficult:
In Spring 2007, I rebelled against everything I stood for. I started dating a girl that I knew I didn't belong with and started preparing for college at a school I never felt called to. I moved forward with things because every day my head was foggy, I felt disconnected, and I lost the ability to feel and care about things.
In Spring 2008, I quit my pizza delivery job in lieu of my gluten allergy and found myself unable to look for work. I slept in a lot, surfed the internet for hours a day, and spent my nights driving aimlessly. I'd usually conclude the day listening to music in my room and eating candy. I felt too weak, lost, and confused to look for a job.
In Spring 2009, I spent the first part in the States, working and spending as much time with friends as I could, because alone I would instantly feel immense dread and insurmountable loneliness and sadness. The second part I spent in England, which didn't affect me negatively at all.
Last Spring, the allergies coupled with worry about others things put me in such a horrible place that my stomach twisted itself up and I put myself in the ER with what is most easily explained as a baby ulcer.
This Spring I know what's going on. It's helping everything else to make sense. But I'm also realizing that God has somehow gotten me through this horrible depression year after year, until finally summer comes and my body evens out again. I can't help but think about how this is a picture of our existence. We hold out for hope of Heaven, for things to be set right, for who we are to make sense and be complete. But before we can get there, the seasons must change. And it's going to challenge us and test us in every way. This life will bring us depression, immense hurt, and impossible circumstances. But what I'm doing through this season is praying...praying hard that I make it through one more day without losing my patience at work or messing up relationships with any of my friends. And I pray that I can still be there for other people, even with all my personal trials at the moment. I think that might be how we need to approach life. God is faithful to be there for us all the time, even when we don't realize it. But as life gets more difficult, we just need to pray to get through today. Because just as I know summer will come, so we all know that Heaven will come. I don't know how many more days or weeks I'll have to go until things get normal again, but knowing is enough to give me the strength to keep going.
So yeah, today I can't feel happy. It takes work to smile. My head is foggy and I can hardly focus on anything. But it won't be like that forever. Things are getting better. It's not my fault I'm going through this. And I can't control it.
For now, I'm looking forward to the summer like I look forward to Heaven. If things don't seem like they'll ever get better, if you don't feel like yourself, if life seems too difficult to be worth it, if you can't be happy or at rest, pay attention to the weather, and look to the sky:
Here comes the sun!
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