The Churning In My Stomach

I just got a Facebook update from my friend in Zimbabwe. I met her at Capernwray Bible School. She's a kind, creative, amazing person with the single most contagious laugh I've ever seen. After Bible School, all of us students felt really pumped up to go and do ministry, or at least to live our lives differently in light of everything that we learned. She was different though...she actually went back to Zimbabwe and started ministry straight away. She didn't let her dreams get stale. And now all of us get updates with how things are going. She's always trusting God with more; always willing to take more risks for the sake of reaching other people with the light that reached her. Anytime I'm not sure if I should take a risk for the sake of ministry, all I have to do is read one of her updates...it's exactly the massive kick in the butt that I need.

I have a churning in my stomach. I used to be so afraid of it that I would just try to think of something else for a while. After that phase, I would always seek counsel from somebody else that might give me the answer. But lately I know what it is.

In July, I got a flier in the mail for a men's retreat. I used to go to this retreat with my old home church in Gladstone, but the organization that runs the retreat hasn't had my address for at least a year and a half. They also had this flier to me before even my family had my address. I picked it out of the mailbox and realized that if this flier had to defy the laws of all possibility to get to me, maybe I should take a look at it. As I looked over the flier, something told me that I should go to this retreat. I called a couple friends in Portland and they wanted to go too.

September rolled around, and I didn't have money for the retreat. My friend who was driving didn't have money for gas (it was about an hour and a half away). The day before I was supposed to leave, I found out that my grandma was going to pay my entrance fee into the retreat. And the night before I was supposed to leave, I got connected with a free ride down to Portland. My friends and I used my Greyhound money to pay for gas, and we got to the retreat on time.

Needless to say, I was looking around like a madman for anything out of the ordinary at this retreat. Why would God do so many miraculous things to get me here unless there was something super important, right? The first night was pretty normal. I was starting to doubt things. Maybe I had just been making this up in my head or something...maybe nothing special was going to happen. Maybe I was just bored with my life and trying to create excitement somehow. The next morning during the first meeting, the board members of the retreat were being introduced. I was looking glumly at my feet as I head the name 'Al Dobra'. My head snapped up. I'd been e-mailing Al for almost a year. He's the director for Africa Inland Mission in the northwest. I'd been asking him about short-term mission opportunities, because AIM is the mission that Bethany and her parents work with. I left my seat a few minutes later and went to find Al. We decided to talk over lunch that day. He asked me about my interests, and I asked him about what mission trips were like. He told me about 6-month mission trip opportunities...that 6 months is a perfect trial run to see if being a full-time missionary is right for you. I shook his hand and told him I'd be praying about it.

Over the next 24 hours I prayed and sought counsel from my friends and spent quiet moments alone.

The next part of the story is a little fuzzy. The only explanation I can offer is that I have a little switch in my brain that makes me overthink and worry about everything, and on that day, God just turned it off. I found Al at the end of the retreat and told him that I'd love to go to Africa for 6 months.

On the drive back home, the switch went back on, and I was freaking out every 30 seconds or so. What did I just do? Africa? 6 months? Seriously?!? I was freaking out on and off until going to church that night. One of the speakers talked about God drying all of our tears, and I suddenly got mental pictures of the peoples' lives that I might touch if I were only bold enough to go. Drying tears, bringing hope to people who have none...this is the ministry of Jesus. From that moment my resolve was steady. If God gave me the chance, I was going to Africa for that 6-month trip.

So much happened in the first 10 days or so. I'd turned in the application, one of my 4 references had already turned in his reference form, and things were going smoothly. But it's been almost a month now, and my application hasn't been reviewed. And since things have calmed down, the doubts slip in more easily now. And I keep thinking about how hard that trip could be...how I'm going to miss so many things if I go.

And that seems to be the biggest snag. It's always a battle of whether I should do something that's difficult, or if I should live my life where it's safe, and fun, and stable. The answer comes only from Jesus:

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."
-Matthew 16:25

I love this verse. I don't fully understand it...only the ones that die for the sake of the Gospel really do. But it does encourage me. If I want to live a safe life, I will miss an incredible story that God offers me. But if I am willing to give up my comfort, my good times, then I will not only get to live a greater story than I'd ever imagined for myself, but I have an eternity in Heaven to make up for every good time I might have missed. If I live a hard life with many tears, God will wipe them all away in the end, and I can also say that I picked the road that was going to help others.

This is my encouragement today. The churning in my stomach is part fear, part anticipation. Something great could happen, if only I take another step.