I'm writing on this topic because most people have their biggest issues of all with God Himself. I've watched friends nod and obey Christian practices for most of their lives, and as soon as they get out of their parents' homes, they can't ignore the questions anymore. Suddenly it's okay to voice the problems they can't find solutions for, the prayers God never seemed to answer, the things about the Gospel or the Bible that just didn't make sense; so the hurt, the years of trials and frustrations and unanswered questions come pouring out all at once. And the 2 camps that most people will fly to are either to convince themselves that questions are wrong, to shove it all back down again and have a completely blind-to-a-fault faith, or else to turn away from the message of Christ. The former is a topic for another day. I'm talking today about the ones that turn away from Christ. And it might seem like I don't relate because I haven't turned away. But that's not true. At one point I turned away completely.
While I was at Capernwray Bible School in Spring of 2009, we had a "prayer day", where the day was cleared of lectures so that we could reserve the day for quiet prayer, study, thinking and relaxation, whatever. I went to a couple of my favorite quiet places on the property and tried to pray for a while. The weeks prior had been increasingly difficult, and I was at a very hard, very honest point in my life. I had strived hard for my whole life to survive, through high school to find God, and after high school to be a good youth leader and an honest man. And at the end of all that, nearing 20 years of life on Earth, I was nothing. People talked about how God was our Great Father, and how we could see attributes of Him in our own fathers. I had nothing but memories of how I never felt like I could please my own father...how I never felt like I fit in or was really listened to, and how during one of the most awkward stages of my life, when I needed guidance the most, he had disappeared. On that prayer day, my questions and doubts and fears finally rose to the surface. I found a place over a hill where nobody but God could see me, and I told Him that I was trying, that I had been trying for years, and that I was fed up. I gave Him one last chance to show Himself. And as I waited, I saw nothing. So I told Him that although I couldn't deny His existence, I didn't care anymore...I was done trying to have a relationship. I walked out.
People's faces looked strange as I met them for lunch that day. My view of physical reality shifted. Everything carried more weight than it should; it was all too in-your-face and surreal. I believe in all honesty that God removed His Spirit from me during that short time, because I remembered feeling exactly like that once, in the days prior to coming to a faith in Jesus Christ. Anyway, I ended up asking Bethany to take a walk with me and talk about things. I told her the whole story, how even if God loved me, I wouldn't understand it because my own father never gave me a good example. We talked for a while, and after a bit I got the most random, but important memory burned into my mind.
I remembered one day when I was a kid taking a bath. We were a big family and all shared a bathroom, so while I was in the bath, my little brother asked to come use the bathroom. I was annoying, but let him in, and sat in the tub waiting for him to finish. I don't know if he was lost in a daydream or what, but I remember that by the time he left, my water was cold. The hot water was all spent too, so when I tried to get some it was just ice cold coming out. Before long, I was sitting there covered in goosebumps, my muscles frozen up so I couldn't move. And I was scared. I heard my dad walking outside the door and called out for him as loudly as I could. It was a wonder he actually heard me. Either way, this was embarrassing...I was naked, shivering in the tub like an idiot, unable to even lift myself up. My dad has always been the kind to teach us how to stand on our own two feet, to learn lessons the hard way. He came in to see what the matter was, and all I said was "Dad, help...I'm cold." He drew the curtain back, and then my dad did something completely out of character. He knelt down and gently helped me up. He grabbed a towel and started drying me off, the whole time saying "It's okay, we're gonna get you warmed up" and cracking a couple jokes to try and cheer me up. He helped me get dressed and led me out without so much as a disapproving look. In that one moment, my dad was more gentle and kind and understanding than I could ever remember him being.
This memory passed vividly through my mind, and I found myself saying out loud, "Dad, help...I'm cold." We were standing under a tree as the wind and rain started to pick up and tears filled my eyes. God spoke very clearly to me that day that it was the same thing happening with Him that had happened with my dad. He cared so much more deeply than I understood, and was always there to help me when I needed. I just misunderstood.
I'm writing this for lots of people. For the people that turned away, I understand. But I'm concerned because none of us ever found problems with the Gospel itself...I think we all just expected it would be easier or that we'd feel God's presence and comfort more than we have. I would ask you to tell God one more time what's on your heart before turning away, and to give Him one more honest chance to speak to you. For my students, I would beg you never to hesitate from telling God anything that's on your heart...and I mean anything! If you're doubting His love or His very existence, tell Him! If you need to yell at Him or cuss Him out, then do it! He can take it, He is patient, He is kind, and He is love. Honesty is more important than saving face, and it's the only thing that will help. Be honest. Talk to Him like He's right next to you. He loves you more than you could possibly know. And to the youth leaders, parents, and role models: when a student comes to you with a problem, DO NOT just throw a Bible verse at them, or try to coerce them toward what they "should" be thinking or feeling! Be willing to listen, to admit it if you don't have the answer, and to pray WITH them, and not just FOR them. If a student displays model behavior until they graduate from high school and youth group, but get to college and leave their faith because they were never allowed to have really, really hard questions and problems, then what was gained? God will give you all the wisdom you need for every situation if you pray and ask Him. He will give you the things you need to say when the moment comes. God has given us a Spirit of unimaginable power and love.
When I was younger, I'd watch the same people argue over and over again. The rage would come back, but it was never satisfied. Somewhere there must be enough humility to stop the fight and settle for peace. And there needs to be enough patience to allow for misunderstandings. God is love, and all is owed to Him.
Thank you
ReplyDelete