It's past 3 a.m. and I can't sleep. Within the last couple years I can remember multiple occasions where I had trouble sleeping, but usually it was because I had nightmares keeping me restless or because I'd had hard alcohol (wine makes me sleepy...vodka makes me forget how to sleep). But tonight I'm overjoyed to say that as I laid my head down and tried to doze off, I was kept awake by the sheer excitement of the good memories of these past few years.
When I get to thinking things can get dangerous. Those who know me well enough to hear me trail off into random conversation can attest...sometimes it seems there's no connecting flight from point A to point B. My answer? I didn't need one. I hitchhiked while you weren't looking. I met a dairy farmer along the way who was a Vietnam vet. He was a great guy.
In any case, my thoughts trailed off this evening, and as one connected to another, I realized once again that although things have had their fair share of difficulty, the last 3 1/2 years for me have been one big chain reaction, under God's direction and for the good of all those involved.
I could be looking at this either way. On the one hand, in the last 3 1/2 years I've discovered a food allergy that made shopping and living in general way more difficult; I've had my plans tank on multiple occasions; I've moved without really knowing why; I've been within inches of being homeless; I've been to the ER a couple times; I've been up to my eyeballs in debt; I crashed my car and lost my license; I spent a lot of time unemployed against my will; I failed on multiple occasions at starting college; and I've spent more time confused and at my wit's end even in the last year than I thought I would in a lifetime.
On the other hand, that allergy ultimately led to getting to Bible school, falling in love, learning how to cook, and having a hospitality ministry to college students that I loved every second of.
My plans tanking led to working in youth ministry and learning to work hard for what I have.
Moving without knowing why took me through hard times that taught me what love really looks like.
Being close to homeless taught me to treat homeless people as what they are: people. It also taught me to appreciate my mom and grandma for being patient and floating me as I searched for jobs; and to appreciate my girlfriend...she spent zero time judging me for the money I didn't have and always kept an open door and a listening ear.
Being to the ER taught me that you can't write people off too quickly, as a small church in Covington took care of a medical bill for me that was looming over my head. They barely knew me, but they didn't have to. They loved me and took care of me just the same. People like that resolve my doubts about today's Christians.
Being in debt has taught me that life goes on, and that if I have food, shelter, and loved ones to laugh with, the debt can wait, because life is happening, and that's what I'm doing today.
3 1/2 years ago I was sure that I knew close to everything. Every day since then God's had full right to rub my face in the fact that I was wrong, but instead He's been patient and kind and has carried every burden with me, teaching me the better way. And I wouldn't trade in a single one of the worst days because today I'm a better man than I was before. Every single bit of the credit goes to God alone. He's been doing all the work, and I've been along for the ride.
In most of my posts I mention flat-out why I'm writing. Today it's because I haven't given God the credit He deserves for all this. Whenever I do something well at work, with friends, or wherever, people tell me, and I wish it wouldn't lose me my job or weird people out to say that God did this all, and on my own I am completely and utterly lost. 3 1/2 years ago, as cocky as I was, I was still trying to do the right thing. We haven't even gotten into who I was when I was younger and I just didn't care. The point is that if there is anything good in me, if I have ever helped anyone or done anything right, God alone deserves the thanks. I find my peace in having Him there every day, just as loving as the day before, always patient and always willing to embark on this adventure with me.
May all the Glory be His, may all Honor be to His name.
-J
No comments:
Post a Comment